Wednesday, January 22, 2014

What I've Learned In My 43 Years....

Sooooo....this is me, sitting here looking at that cursor blinking on my computer screen. I have so many things that I want to share but don't know where to start. This weekend is my 43rd birthday. Where did that time go?? I'm still trying to decide what I wanna be when I grow up. LOL

The last few years have been horrible. I have tripped and fallen....been battered and beaten. Defeated. Actually broken....heart broken. Somehow tho, in the midst of my whole world falling apart...somehow it was falling into place. I picked myself back up...dusted myself off and soldiered on. I can honestly say I am proud. Against all odds....I succeeded. I don't have the perfect life but I have a great family....solid friends and the best daughter one could ever ask for. I have a roof over my head. Food in my belly and a warm safe place to rest my head at night. Life is good. :)

I have learned a lot in the last couple years. Some tough lessons. Lessons we could all learn from. First and foremost ALWAYS BE TRUE TO YOURSELF!!!! Love yourself because sometimes YOU and your integrity are all you have. I've learned it doesn't matter what others think about you. If you can get up every morning and look yourself in the mirror and love the person staring're golden. It's taken me a long time and I'm still working at it but for the most part I'm pretty comfortable in my skin. I like my own company. I am a cool chick. Definitely a special kind of twisted!!! A little eccentric and unorthodox but certainly not boring or lacking in character. I don't need others to make me laugh because I can provide myself with hours of entertainment. have to be able to laugh at yourself OR others will do it for you. LOL

I'm passed the age of letting others dictate to me what my own self worth is or should be. I know without a doubt that I am a good person. A great person who wears many hats. I am a great Mother....daughter....friend.....lover....sister and wife. Yes, I said it. I WAS a great wife. Even tho my marriage fell apart and I couldn't tell you where he is today.....THAT is not my cross to bear. He left me. That hurt my ego for a long time. I changed everything he said made him unhappy in hopes of making it work. And even after I turned everything upsidedown and myself inside out HE still was not happy. They were his issues not mine and even as I type these words and know them to be true.....somedays I still get slapped in the face by my own insecurities that I WAS NOT ENOUGH. I wasn't pretty enough...skinny enough...attentive enough. UGH....its gross how much another person can affect you. Why did I beat myself up for his unhappiness. HE WAS NOT HAPPY.....but somehow I took all that on myself and carried it around as MY failure. It was not. You are not responsible for anyone's happiness except your own.

So, my friends....go out and find your happiness. Instead of trying to get people to like or love you by molding yourself into what you think THEY want. Go out and be the things you love and the people who are of like mind will automatically be drawn to you. Go out into that great and wonderful world and FILL YOUR BOOTS!!

I have come to realize in my *cough cough* older years that WOMEN ARE AWESOME!! I never appreciated women in my younger years. I was not interested in my nails...going to a salon....taking four other females to a bathroom with me....or having 50 pairs of shoes. I hung out with the boys. I liked my tee shirt and faded jeans.....field cars and motor bikes....getting dirty....riding around in the backs of trucks....hay rides...drinking around bonfires and my faithful runners or army boots. That was the carefree girl in me. As a woman, even tho I miss that girl I used to be....I have a better understanding and appreciation for women. Women offer up the biggest sacrifice.....their identity. We become so and so's and so's and so's daughter. For the sake of the family we give up jobs...opportunites....friends...and me time. Some of us lose our young toned bodies to our children and many a day take our own self loathing into the shower with us. I wear my stretch marks as a badge of honour now. Yes....I still long for my twenty something body. I miss the days of when I could eat anything and not gain an ounce. For the days that I got up out of bed and didn't crack and hurt. But nothing....and I mean NOTHING in this world feels better then when you hear your child say MOM...I LOVE YOU. Hang on tight to those moments because in the blink of an eye they are over. It seems like yesterday my girl was just a toddler. Now, she is grown into this amazing young woman.

Then on the opposite end of the spectrum we have the ones we call Mom and Dad. We are so busy growing up and raising families of our own that we forget our parents are growing old. Love your parents. As quickly as we see our children grow...our parents are also watching us age and their days quickly passing by. Take the time. Call them when you can. Visit even for a moment. Cherish the time you have with them.

Speaking of sacrifice. There are a few things in life we should never sacrifice. One is....never sacrifice your own integrity. STAND FIRM IN YOUR BELIEFS. Defend yourself. Even if it means you lose that shitty job or even that great job, that puppy dog puke love or that friend you thought would be there forever. Speak your truth. Even when your voice quivers....your throat constricts.....your knees knock....and you feel like your body is on fire....always...always stand your ground. Never sacrifice your own self worth. If they respect you, they will listen. If that someone wants to be a part of your life they will make the effort. If they aren't making the effort.....they are only making excuses. DITCH THEM. The other thing you should never sacrifice is....your friends. Be the kind of friend that you want to have. Some friends will come and go but even if its for a short time.....make it count.

While there are things we should never sacrifice or give up. There are things we should always give. And those things are equally important....always give your love, every chance you get. Your time whenever possible. Your shoulder to cry on. An ear to bend. Your arms to hug. Your hand to hold. And a smile to share.

So what have I learned in my 43 years?? I've learned that the most important things in life are simple and free. That nothing soothes the soul like the smell of fresh cut hay....walking barefoot on the beach....sitting around a crackling campfire.....a warm summer breeze at dusk or the sound of children laughing. I've learned that Family is everything. Friends are precious and children are only small for a short enjoy them. Do what you love and you'll love what you do. Laugh whenever possible, it is the best medicine. Life is way to short....EAT CAKE [and bacon....Edited for Brent Townsend]. Stop waiting for that special occasion....wear your sexy underwear. Not just for him....FOR YOU!! Buy fresh flowers and your favourite wine.

But most of all....