Happy Birthday Dad......

I wasn't going to write anything on this topic but he's been popping up quite a bit lately. Four years ago my Dad passed away and this past Thursday would have been his birthday. He's been on my mind a lot this weekend and even when I try to shake it....he's still there. Even in the simplest of ways like my book mark which was his obituary put in plastic by the funeral home. I called my sister that night because she is usually who I go to when I'm all discombobulated. She didn't answer which was probably best because she doesn't deal with Dad issues well either. She did however call the next day and said I had sounded funny.......I lied and said it was nothing. Neither of us mentioned that it was Dad's birthday.

The night Dad died it threw me for a loop. I'm going to include my blog about that because it really did say everything I was feeling..................
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January 14 2006

Ever wonder how or why it is when you think you have it all figured out, something just kicks you in the ass?? My Dad passed away tonight. I always thought I'd know exactly how I was going to feel about that and exactly how I would react. I was wrong. I still haven't reacted.

I'm sitting here at my computer in the dark and I STILL haven't let out that breath of air I took in when my fiancee called me and gave me the news. I'm not exactly sure what I'm feeling.

My dad hasn't really been a Dad to me or my sister throughout our entire lives. I've always been very matter a fact where he was concerned.....yet here I am.......very.......what is the word.......I'm not sure. I came home....I ate dinner....I watched a movie and cuddled with my honey and then after the movie I went and brushed my teeth and while I stood there looking in the mirror it hit me that I was never going to speak to him again. I stood there dumbfounded.

I have been so angry at this man for so long and suddenly that anger is still there but in a different form. And.........I cry. And as I type these words I'm starting to cry again. I still can't answer my own question............how do I really feel about this. My first reaction was....I need to call my sister to see if "she" is ok. I need to go up there to be with the rest of the family. Am I really that unfeeling?? Is worrying about everyone else my way of making sure I don't FEEL something for him??

I'm not sure if any of this is going to make sense when I'm done but its late and everyone is sleeping and I had this uncontrollable urge to vent. How sad that this is the first blog in my entries. Just yesterday my mother asked me if I wanted an OLIVE and I said no. I hate olives. I don't really know if I hate olives....I've never had one. I know I hate what they used to represent to me. My Dad used to eat olives all the time and I hated them cause he liked them. So what was I afraid of??? Was I afraid I might actually love that rotten PR in spite of all his faults?? Or was I afraid that if I liked the Olives I was like him??

I have erased the next sentence 3 times now so I'm not going to try to write it again. I think I'm going to leave myself at this pondering spot.

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As i read that blog I am brought back to all the same emotions I had that day. I don't really think I've dealt with anything. I've always had this wall up where Dad was concerned. However, like the booze that so ruled our lives he seeps into the smallest crack of that wall and eventually consumes me. I have so many issues regarding booze its not funny. I'm sure I drive my husband insane. He certainly doesn't drink like my Father did but even a couple beers and I find myself twitching.

When he is at work I even pep talk myself and say.....today is the day I don't let it bother me. Today is the day I'm not going to say anything. I laugh and think its so silly to have such emotions about alcohol. and as my husband walks in with his beers in hand I freeze. I can feel that heat inside me rising from my toes...up my legs....into my arms...as it reaches my face I want to smack him. Oddly, I want to smack the very thing that used to make Dad violent. How weird is that?

The sad thing is, I'm so obsessed with alcohol, that i will sit frozen in my chair and watch as he pours that beer into his glass knowing soon enough I'm going to say something snide about it. *sigh* amazing the impact that one person can have on a child's life. I deal with it the best I can.....

So, while we are left here to deal with the aftermath of what was, he is someplace other then here. I hope he is at peace now....finally. I hope whatever it was that made reality SO BAD that he needed to drink himself into oblivion is now gone. I hope he has finally found happiness. My biggest hope however is that someday I can find peace and happiness where Dad is concerned. I did love him.....very much. I don't talk about Dad much so maybe this is my way of starting to heal.

Happy birthday Dad.........oddly, I miss you everyday.

Infidelity....

I don't understand Cheaters......

Infidelity is the ultimate insult.All it accomplishes is to leave your significant other feeling like an empty shell and with more insecurities then there is time enough to heal.

It leaves that person with such anguish as you publicly announced that "you are not enough" and "you are not worthy". It leaves the innocent party with the responsibility of picking up the pieces that you left behind.

How backwards is that??

the innocent party did nothing wrong except to love, trust and support your worthless lying selfish self. How dare you get off Scot free, to carry on like nothing has happened. To get up in the morning with a smile. To walk away like this life was disposable, while she drowns in an ocean of tears.

You are a total waste of skin.

Then it happens.........
One morning she wakes up and wonders "why am I crying?" To which she realizes, she is crying over NOTHING. Because thats essentially what you are.......nothing.

She will get up and soldier on. she will go thru the seemingly impossible motions of everyday life. Soon, she will look forward to getting up more then she looked forward to cocooning under her covers. she will do so with renewed vigour and lightness because she has purged and shed the essence of your insignificant worthless self.


Then, the inevitable happens - she will smile.

This smile will turn to laughter. this laughter will turn to joy. no longer will she concentrate on going thru the motions because they will just come with ease. she will remember all the things SHE loved to do.

As she rediscovers those "things" she fills herself up with more smiles, laughter, and joy, leaving no room for anguish - emptiness or insecurities. And from her tear filled cocoon emerges a beautiful butterfly.

then as it always happens, she will see you. With shaking knees she will smile.with her beautiful wings and her new found strength she will fly away.

Upon reflection, her eyes will fill with tears......NOT because she lost you but because she finally found herself.

AND......upon reflection, your eyes will fill with tears because you lost her and discovered your true self.

Christian Beliefs Being Forced down Our Throats!!

Just when I thought that religious tolerance was getting better we all took about ten steps backwards!!!! People don't say much to me on this topic mostly because I have strong convictions......I think. Many of my friends just say its cause I scare people!!!!! *laffin hard*

I go to a site called Religious tolerance every once in awhile and read what others have to say....and see how they feel....blah...blah...blah!!! I near about fell right off my chair when I saw in plain print an essay on how they think we should have the Lords Prayer and the Ten Commandments posted and mandatory in not only every school but every classroom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Errrrrrrrckk.....free will just came to a screeching halt!!!!

I'm astounded, shocked, and disappointed at the ignorance of some people. Our country prides itself on being multicultural. As Canadians we embrace people for their differences and brag about being the tolerant country. I'm flabbergasted to say the least when I read such drivel. As anyone venturing onto my site can see I am a very proud Pagan. I don't judge nor do I try to convert people to my way of thinking. We believe in the free will of everyone. However in saying this I'm appalled when Christians don't exhibit the same courtesy. The Ten Commandments are a great guideline for being a good person and the Lords Prayer is wonderful if you follow that path.....what if you don't???

In being a multicultural country should we not make room for different cultures and religions??? What are they afraid of???? Maybe instead of having the Lords Prayer we could have a moment of silence for each person to pray to their God of understanding!!!!!!!!!!!!! Instead of trying to make people conform why not embrace their differences???

Calming the Inner Battles........

I'm a free thinker and anyone who knows me is aware of this. The problem with someone who thinks alot is....sometimes they struggle within themselves for answers they don't have. Usually I turn to texts and reading to try to figure out my dilemmas. Other times I'll turn to other free thinkers to try to use them as a sounding board. Most people don't think I listen to them....on the contrary. Sometimes I listen too much and end up even more confused.

Soooooo.....it is no secret that I struggle with my christian background. While I accept and commend my family for instilling wonderful values in me (cause I'm a pretty great person LOL) I do not accept the christian faith at all. For most of my "finding myself" years I described myself as being Agnostic. I knew there was something out there that explained it all...whether it was God/dess, Science or little green men. I guess a better way of describing myself would have been Apathetic.

However......I found my home in the Pagan path and have been quite happy. I still don't believe in God but reverred Mother Earth as sacred and worshipped her as such. I live off the land....protect her..love and give back to her anytime I can. Sometimes in this very techy world I may slip but for the most part I try to surround myself with all her beauty.

[I'm now going to cut and paste part of an email I sent out to two of the most beautiful people I know....mentors if you will.]

"I've had this internal struggle for sometime and its gotten to a point where its bugging me ALL THE TIME. Anyone who knows me knows I hold my Pagan path sacred. Something has come to the forefront with me and its haunting me. Sometimes being a free thinker isn't such a good thing. Even tho we aren't the best of friends there was a connection there and so today I reach out to you because you are a more seasoned and experienced soul.

I battle everyday with my belief in a God. Even as I do spell work or rituals or even a daily affirmation I don't visualize a "God/dess" and have all but quit any kind of rituals. To make this right in my own mind i have always considered Mother Earth to be my Goddess and have lived my life by the seasons quite happily. I take from her but always give back. Recently something has knocked me over and made me question everything i thought I knew. while this is not a bad thing because I think it is in asking questions that we find truth.

I believe in Darwin. I think he was a brilliant man and formidable free thinker. I've actually ordered some of his books because it was just brought to my attention that he too struggled with this very thing. I'm hoping in his words I may find peace or at least something that makes sense to me. I have always loved science. Almost to a geeky creepy point. LOL Lately my science side of my brain and my belief side of my brain have collided. While discussing my Darwin point of view someone asked me what my beliefs were. I very proudly told of my Pagan path. However after that conversation I sat there alone with this nagging feeling that I haven't been able to shake for weeks now.

This person asked me if I thought the Earth was a deity and hence why I called her Mother or Goddess. While I answered yes to that question I don't know if I do. Now I'm wondering if its my adult way of rebelling against the Christian upbringing I've always struggled with. Am I so anti-God that I've labelled something with the term Goddess that doesn't fit or just plainly isn't.

I've always described myself as a Pagan because in early years a Pagan was just a country dweller who lived their lives by the seasons. While I've been trying to find my answers all I've come up with that fits me....is Atheism. I cringe at that very thought. I believe in Magic, spirits and the paranormal which they would certainly scoff at. I find strength and comfort from my elders who have long passed but are still with me. However all those can be explained by "energy". Thats all it is and if you know anything about science the law of energy (thermodynamics) is....it can neither be created or destroyed but rather just changes form. So under that definitition all the above mentioned are clearly true.

This is where my balloon deflated. I love that the world holds many mysteries and I'm quite upset that perhaps all my beliefs have been explained away by science and my belief system is nothing but bunk. As much as I rebelled against the idea of God/dess I think I found comfort in the fact that she was there. Even tho I always said I believed my Goddess was in Fact Mother earth I think I was comforted by the spirit that surrounded me. Soooooo....has anything changed....nope...just my mind set. So why am I so discontented?? Have I been fooling myself and all along I've been but a Naturalist??"

I'm sorry to bore you....I'm just all discombobulated LOLOLOLOLOL I love my husabnd and all my friends but for the most part they don't understand me and my crazy notions but love me in spite of them. I wish I could just turn my brain off. This old chunck of wood atop my shoulders could tell you stories and probbably scare the crap outta ya. So I'm reaching out in hopes that you may lend a word of wise. Something that will calm my inner battle. Something that will make everything right again.

Perhaps ignorance is bliss!!!! LOL

Vaccinations...

As many of you know I am very anti-vaccination....and those who don't will be learning something new. I have been a Natural Health Consultant for years and try the best I can to live a simple "natural" life. Many know I even built a hydroponic sprouter so I could have fresh alive plants everyday. Sadly about 2 years ago I took it down due to mold. Still trying to perfect a venting system for it. I try my best to live as close to nature as possible in this very commercialized time. AS of late I've been debating on pro and anti-vax forums. I'm not even sure why there is still a debate when it should be a person's choice to vax or not to vax. Many of my friends use to think I was absolutely nuts but loved me in spite of my eccentricity. I was always different and most believed I had the strangest notions. Many thought I was just a lover of conspiracy theories and others (I think) thought I'd just outgrow these fantasies. Well.....I had a birthday yesterday and aside from my patience level not being what it use to be I think if anything I've become more passionate about these "NOTIONS". I myself was a vaccinated child and was healthy for most of my life. We lived on a farm tho so we always had fresh veggies from the garden which contained no pesticides or additives. We had fresh milk, meat and eggs. We were a very active family and I'm proud to say I was an avid athlete. My problems didn't start until into my adolecence and adulthood. My endocrine system was shot for whatever reason and my hormones are all over the map. How I conceived and carried my daughter is a mystery. I did know however that my children would never be vaccinated. I researched and read everything and anything I could get my hands on and much to my parents dismay stuck to that decision.

I stumbled across something recently that had to do with vaccines and the endocrine system because of my severe thyroid condition I of course sit up and take notice. Among other reasons I was so angry that this kind of information isn't given to parents. Why is it if vaccines are keeping us so safe are our children so sick??? Why is allergies and diabetes and hormonal problems on the rise?? Why is it Autism was never heard of before the 40's and 50's and now strikes down 1 in a thousand of our children?? Why are behavioural problems and attention problems in our youths an epidemic?? Has anyone ever wondered why we have so many Special Ed classes?? Why are our children so ill?? Have we traded childhood diseases for chronic diseases?? What is the big deal about childhood diseases??

Before mandatory vaccine programs came into effect most children contracted these childhood diseases and lived to tell about it. Diseases were actually on a decline when vaccines were set into motion due to better nutrition, better sanitation, etc. When do we say enough is enough?? The additives on our vaccines are highly toxic. Mercury, aluminum and formaldehyde are all highly toxic and lethal in the smallest amounts and yet we allow it to be injected into our babies. Amounts that by the EPA and FDA standards are for a 250 pound man let alone an average 8 pound baby. When I was a kid we had an average of 8 vaccines maybe a few more and now the vaccine list for 2008 (2009 pending) is at least 36 vaccines. Is this not alittle bit over the top?? These ingredients are known neurotoxins so why are we injecting this into our children?? People are afraid of secondhand smoke, but they’re OK with injecting the second worst neurotoxin on the planet in newborns

Has anyone ever read the package insert of a vaccine.....I mean really read it??? Had anyone ever been given one from their doctor?? Has anyone ever been explained the pros and cons?? Well I did some digging and I found a list of vaccines and at the end of each vaccine is a copy of the official package insert...I beg of you to read it. Parents just don't know whats in these needles. Forget the ingredients for one minute and let's talk about the mediums in which they are grown. Do parents know that these cultures are grown on Monkey kidney's, chick embryos, rabbit brains, calf serum, pig proteins and human aborted fetal tissues. Did you know thats in our childrens vaccines??

So because I'm the "conspiracy theory" girl has anyone ever wondered how HIV from Monkey's came to be in our population??? When i was school we had humorous theories as to how that happened but when you sit down to think about it....its scary. Using these other species DNA; how do they know what they are crossing over into??? Nowadays we are having more and more bird flus in our population and what are the consequences of injecting fetus tissue into our children which is someone else's DNA. I am not a doctor nor do I pretend to be one but are these questions not worth asking??? Should anyone be thinking I'm completely off my rocker here is the link to all the vaccine inserts.....read it for yourself. One of the known side effects was Diabetes Mellitus and Guillain-Barre Syndrome . Yup.....thats right. Let's forgo getting measles and have Diabetes the rest of my life.

http://vaers.hhs.gov/pdf/PackageInserts.pdf

With this info out there how can the Doctor's with a clear conscience say Vaccines don't cause harm to our children??? If this is true then why is there a Vaccine injury compensation fund?? Why has it paid out 1.8 BILLION dollars in compensation if these vaccines aren't causing damage??? How can they say there is no link to Autism when these toxic ingredients are KNOWN neurotoxins??? would we allow our kids to play with mercury...formaldehyde or antifreeze??? I doubt it.

So I guess I am an eccentric old broad who questions everything but if that keeps my kids safe.....then I'm happy to hold that title. Take a look at the inserts.....look even further on your own. I challenge you......PROVE ME WRONG. I hope I am wrong.....but i don't think I am!!!!!!!!!!

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A link to prove the effect mercury has on our brains.
http://commons.ucalgary.ca/showcase/curtains.php?src=http%3A%2F%2Fapollo.ucalgary.ca%2Fmercury%2Fmovies%2FLor2_QTS_700kb_QD.mov&screenwidth=512&screenheight=400&curtains=no

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Update....actually my numbers were compleltely off for autism and the autistic spectrum. the numbers are more like 1 in every 60-100 depending on which site you go to.

As a Believer in Darwin.

I am a firm believer in Evolution. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. Much to my Christian Mother's dismay I did a huge paper and debate on it in school. I never had any doubts. So it was no surprise when I grew up that I became a Pagan. I believe in mother nature in all her beauty. I consider myself to be a Naturalist of sorts. Although stuck in the era of technology I yearn for the day of old when things seemed so simple, when we were in harmony with nature. There are many inventions I am quite thankful for....like indoor plumbing but I do long to go back in time. My dream is to homestead 100% of the time and live off the land but also...give back to her.

I do believe we are the fifth ape and we were meant to evolve in the brain area. Science has shown how our brains got larger and how we became more civilized. This is where my problems start. As a believer of evolution I also believe in natural selection. We are where we are because we survived. It seems so simple. However in my many ponderings I have come to a conflict which seems to only get worse the more I think about it.

I love science but I have come to a cross roads where science is concerned. I do not believe in modern medicine. While I am quite happy to have certain aspects of it I abhor other areas of it. Modern pharmaceutics are nothing but a pocket liner. They make society as a whole sicker and sicker and completely addicted and dependent on it...in my opinion.

In the fast pace of our lives we eat crap....become crap and then take crap medicine to try to cure it. The reason this has come to the forefront for me is because I believe Darwin would trun over in his grave if he knew what modern medicine had become. His theory was and still is how NATURE took care of things all on its own. Modern Darwin believers spoke about the genocide and eugenics in Hitlers time and how some twisted the theory to excuse Man's behaviour. How is modern medicine any different?? I love to listen to Richard Dawkins speak. I love his theories and agree wholeheartedly on everything he says about evolution. This is where Richard Dawkins and myself part ways.

If nature is the cause of our evolution then how can scientists believe in such invasive procedures that modern medicine has?? I am happy we have surgeries and the know how to help. This is where my inner debate starts and has yet to end. I am completely against vaccinations. i think the toxins in which we inject into wee babies is asinine. I believe they cause more disease then the actual diseases we're inoculating against. Where do I draw this line?? How do I calm the inner arguement that is constant?

We have evolved so far to have the understanding of illness that enables us to save lives. So should we just accept that this is out destiny and do everything science tells us we should?? Or should we evolve further to know when it is we should stop intervening?? Darwins theory is all about survival and adaptation. How we evolved to carry on our genes. It is my opinion that science is tricking nature and creating a frankenstein type human. A Human that NEEDS medical intervention in order to survive.

We are not surviving on our own. The smallest of bugs are making us sick ten fold. I believe we have come this far because we adapted in ALL areas. Whether it be physical strength, kinship or brainiac OR perhaps all the above. I believe the latter. I don't think you have to be the nicest person...the strongest person...or the smartest person but combine all three and you have a superior. If you only have one of the three you are vulnerable. You may be the strongest but you might not know enough to stay away from danger. You may be the nicest but not know enough to see enemies coming. You may be the smartest but not strong enough to fight off harm. It seems to me that society has gotten to this point. We know alot but now we can't fight off any harm on our own.

So I am caught. While I believe in Science I don't accept their intervention into what I perceive as the perfect beings on earth. We have come so far that we believe we are smarter then Mother Nature and evolution itself.....such arrogance. I believe in natural food and natural immunity. Natural food is essentially very hard to find this day in age with all the chemicals and additives added to our food. Hence why homesteading would be ideal. This is where i think science has failed us. It saddens me to say that because science always opened up my mind and made me look at the world thru child eyes....total awe and amazement. Now I look at the world and I think as I say often....."we have evolved so far that we have regressed". Man looks at animals and thinks we are superior to them but are we?? You do not see them dying from the diseases that man does unless of course they are domesticated. I think science has man best interest at heart but I fear it has gone far beyond that point. This "bigger better new" attitude has gotten us into a world of trouble. Yes modern science has helped save lives at times but at what expense.

I know this sounds like a cold and callus way of thinking but one must venture into the dark side to sometimes appreciate the light. Without medical intervention our immune system would evolve to fight off these ailments all on their own. Yes there will be casualties which is tragic. However.....with those casualties we evolve. We get stronger. Instead we are living longer but have no quality of life. By, (for lack of a better way) filtering out the weak, it leaves the strongest to evolve. As it sits now we have weak copulating with weak and producing an inferior species that will always need medical intervention. If nature was left to its own devices, only the superior would move forward to produce a species second to none.

Childhood diseases are a perfect example of this. Measles, german measles, chicken pox, mumps these were all harmless diseases. Was there death??? In some cases but rarely was there complications. And the person then had immunity to which they passed on to their children.....a type of evolution adaptation. With every disease we contracted and beat we became stronger.

Modern Medicine enters. Since the introduction of such medicines humans have slowly gotten sicker. We now NEED these needles to apparently overcome such disease. We might not get the measles but we are now getting chronic diseases never seen cenuries before, such as autism, ADD, ADHD, guillain barre syndrome, diabetes. Do I think medicine is the only contributing factor?? Absolutely not. I think it is our fast paced lives, our need for instant gratification, our greed, pollution, and modern medicine.

do I think we can solve it??? Well this is the other part of my internal argument. Are we seeing a shift in awareness because we are evolving?? Small groups who were once thought to be eccentric and unorthodox are now being proven correct. Are we polluting our earth with all our advances?? Is our industry which has taken us so far now pulling us back?? the discovery of fossil fuels advanced us so far but now we are learning that it is ruining us. New renewable energy sources are becoming popular....AGAIN. This is not new technology, solar power, wind turbines, water power....this is pioneer days on steroids. We are slowly realizing the error of our ways. So is it a far stetch to think if we failed in that area that maybe we failed in the medicine area as well???

Doctors and scientists and general masses of society disagree COMPLETELY with me. I am a quack. I am uneducated. I am a fear monger. I am ignorant. I have been called many more names but those are the most polite ones that I can put in print. I started a group called "Keep Talking....You're Making Us Famous". It is a group for the unorthodox. I don't go around trying to tick people off however I do manage to most everywhere I go. I am hoping that someday my eccentric way of thinking will suddenly become mainstream. After all it takes but that one brave soul to stand up against the masses and exclaim YOU ARE WRONG!!!!

I think humans are the most fascinating creatures and I do believe we will evolve more to realize the error and correct it. It might not be in my lifetime but I hope i am around to see it start. As far as the medical area it has started already. It is fought every step of the way but more and more, you see people, naturalists, saying no more. We will not put those toxins in our babies. We will not put those pesticides in our soil. We will not put those pollutants in our air. We will not put those steroids in our foods. We will not allow you to dump those chemicals in our water. Of course we (they) are called tree hugging freak hippies but that group is slowly getting bigger all the time. I'm not saying don't get that surgery or that broken bone set but perhaps if our lifestyles changed and the toxins and chemicals removed......we might not have the afflictions that we have in the first place.

Addictions......

Can anyone explain addictions to me??? I think this has baffled me my whole life. My Dad was a raging alcoholic. I always wondered why he loved the bottle more then he loved us kids and mom. Its something that has bothered me my whole life. I did my experimenting as a teenager and was an acid head and smoked my fair share of weed and hash, dabbled in coke and tried mushrooms. I never much got into anything that I couldn't say no to. I drank and still enjoy going out and and getting silly with my friends. I'm not saying I'm an angel and if I don't have any obligations or responsibilities the next day I will still go out and have a good time with my girls. However this does not happen too often. I'd have to say the only thing I've ever been addicted to would be ciggies, sex and food. I've kicked the smokes and well I'm sorry the other two are what sustaines me!!!!!

Many times in my life I've been faced with problems with addictions....not addictions of my own but rather my friends and family's addictions. I don't understand it. It kind of makes me angry. I try to understand and just when I think I do understand I want to blurt out.....JUST SAY NO. Its that easy. I guess its not that easy. Alcohol in my opinion is the worst addiction because it is socially accepted....which in my opinion makes it that much more dangerous. A man that comes home after a hard days work and cracks a beer is not frowned upon...its almost his right to do this. I'm not saying its wrong either....I'm trying to understand. Where does that line start??? And when does it become a problem??

Right now I'm dealing with a friend who is a drug addict. And not the kind of drugs you're thinking. These are prescription drugs which in my opinion is like the booze. A doctor prescribed them so it must be ok. WRONG. I don't know what to do to help. I certainly don't want to be an enabler but I also don't want to push this person away if all she needs is help. Its gotten to the point where I'm not even sure I believe anything she's saying to me. It's always someones elses fault. I usually keep my nose out of things like this because its really none of my business unless its hurting or affecting me or my family. The problem is.....i love this person. I love her so much that it pains me to see this happening. I've been down this road before and I pretty much wrote this person off. She went from high on the mountain to the lowest of low in record time. Her personality and everything changed it was so awful. I called her a waste of skin and she always told me those words rang in her ears and actually helped her recover. Thats was years ago now.

Well I fear the past may be replaying itself and I'm scared. Maybe I should go to some addiction seminar or something cause I just can't understand. What makes a person an addict?? Is reality that bad??? i mean I've taken drugs before the high is awesome....i like to drink....but there's a time and a place for such things. and its usually when you're going out with friends to celebrate and have fun.....not for when you're sitting at home alone popping Gawd knows what. can anyone offer any suggestions??? Maybe because my Father was an alcoholic it just hits too close to home and I don't WANT to understand. My Dad was a good and decent man. He was so handsome and charming and fun. He had personality plus and would give you the shirt off his back. Til he got drinking. One or two drinks were fine but then it was let's drink til we can't talk. Let's drink til I'm not fit to live with cause I'm so mean. please don't think I'm judging....I'm not. It could have easily been me. There were times in my life where I could have fallen to the bottom of the bottle because what life was handing me was a basket of rotten apples.......but i think it was sheer stubborness that made it so I didn't. How is it some people can go out on weekends have the time of their life and come Monday never think of going out again til the next occasion?? and then others go out that same weekend and Monday morning are having a drink or a snort or a pill to get them motivated to move. I want to say its selfishness....I want to say they are weak.....I'd like to shake the crap outta them but I can't........because I don't know what they are going thru. Tell me....how do you stand beside someone like this without making it look like you think what they are doing is ok?? I do not condone this behaviour but know I still love you.

My Uncontrollable Urge........

[I am moving some of my blogs from another space so if you happen to read the same one twice....sorry =(]


I'm a wee bit annoyed with myself today. Yesterday I had this great idea to rip apart my kitchen counters to "IMPROVE" my sprouter functionality. It is bulky and takes up alot of counter space which could be used for better things. I'm annoyed because it isn't going as wonderfully as pictured in my head. I'm also annoyed because of why I get the urges to "improve" things.

From as far back as I could remember my parents have torn everything they've ever owned apart and made it theirs. Granted once finished it was "improved" and beautiful. My parents would buy a dilapitated old house and give it a facelift that would make anyone proud...not to mention a substantial increase in market value. This was wonderful because we always had a beautiful house to live in however once they accomplished their desired outcome the inevitable happened. ME MOVED.

So as I started into my teenage years the worst thing ever happened. I woke up one Saturday morning and had this urge to just move my bedroom furniture around......and the seed had been planted. It is a horrible thing when you realize you have become your parents!!!

This urge only got worse with me. For no particular reason I could get up from my favourite show and start moving furniture around. The worst scenario is....it doesn't work and the furniture ends up in the exact place it started and all I've accomplished is wasting a few hours on moving my stuff around. My ex boyfriend use to get quite annoyed with my "tendancies". He was always afriad to walk into the house in the dark. He said I moved stuff around so much that it was DANGEROUS to do such a thing without lights on.

So this is my second day of "improving" my kitchen space. I tried to cook breakfast around it and got even more annoyed. I got so annoyed I called my parents on their cell to complain to them that it was their fault somehow. Dad of course was not very sympathetic. He quite frankly said....it sounds to me like you did this to yourself. ARGH!!! I said well....I happen to know two people very close to me that made me this way!!! He came back with......you know of ONE person who made you this way. I just happen to be the poor guy who does the work. Then it dawned on me that my husband went to work on a Saturday!!! Coincidence???? I think not.

So now I'm sitting infront of this computer complaining to anyone who will listen or rather read. Sad isn't it??!! So I thought I would remind myself WHY I do the things I do. I am doing this to improve my working area. I am doing this so I can grow wonderful organic greens all year long. I'm doing this to grow wheatgrass to add to my juicing regime. There....starting to feel better.

So I check my little darling greens and this cupboard is very cold. Oh no....that will not do!!! So on the hunt I go for a space heater. I find one nestled in the basement under junk to which I fight the urge to clean up. I hurry upstairs to save my little darlings. I plug it in....and ......NOTHING. Hmmmm......I wonder why this isn't working?? I must IMPROVE THAT!!! see.....it really is a sickness. So downstairs I go to find my tools. I now have a space heater ripped apart in the kitchen that is ripped apart and I'm surrounded by what resembles a junk yard.

My wonderful husband enters bearing gifts of timmys coffee. i know in his head he is thinking THANK GAWD I am not staying!!! I'd yell at him but he just brought a coffee to which my nerves need. So I clean the heater out and put it all back together. i plug it in and....VOILA....NOTHING. Then from the very depths of its SCARED mechanics that little fan starts to go round and round. It just didn't want me to rip it apart again. I smile.....SUCCESS. So I put it in the cupbaord to warm my little darlings and it runs for about 1 minute and turns off. Apparently its not as cold in there I thought as the sensor turned it off.

So I turn around and one swift swoop I move all the "junk" that was on the kitchen floor to the diningroom. See....if all else fails just spread your junk around!!! *laffs* Ah-ha......I can now see the kitchen floor again. While standing there admiring my "accomplishment" I notice we have tiny baby roots starting on the seeds we planted just 2 days ago. i call my daughter in to admire what was starting and she was as delighted as myself. A brief moment of acheivement and solid reinforcement of why I'm ripping my kitchen apart....which was brought abruptly to an end when we bonk our heads on the cupboard door and trip over the stuff in the diningroom..........and we're back. This is going to be a LONG DAY!!!!

Longing for the Simple Life....

When did life get so complicated?? Everything seems to move so quickly anymore that I feel like I have to run just to keep up. Why does it feel like i never catch up?? This weekend my family and I took a walk thru the past.....how wonderful it was. Everyone always says you shouldn't live in the past....how i wish I could just go back.

We took a walk thru Pioneer village this weekend and I found myself breathing alittle deeper....relaxing alittle more and smiling more then I have in ages. I wandered thru the houses wishing I could live the way they did....but of course with indoor plumbing!!! LOL The pioneers sure did have it all. As a whole, society thinks we are evolving and becoming more civilized when in actuality we have evolved so far that we've regressed.

We aren't self sufficient anymore.....we invent things so we don't have to do anything. How lazy is that??We have become so self involved that love thy neighbour means nothing. Never would anyone have to sit at the side of the road broken down and worry about whether someone would stop to help. I'm all for the woman being independant and not relying on a man to define who she is and the cost of living has made it so both parents NEED to work. Therefore the person who is the foundation of the family isn't there when the family comes home from work or school.

More time is spent infront of the TV or computer instead of sitting with family and talking. I use to get teased because I lived way out in the boonies as a kid. We only ever got a couple channels on TV and life for me was very simple. We rose with the sun and went down with the sun. My family was farmers and we grew our food, drank our own milk, and ate our own meat. We sat around after dinner and played crokinole or cards and spent QUALITY time with our families. The men worked hard and came home to a clean house, a hot meal, a loving wife and well behaved children.

We spent our time outside exploring full berry bushes, moss covered rocks and bugs. On winter weekends we made fiddle diddles cookies, hot chocolate and cut down our own x-mas tree. We use to take Sundays drives singing the entire time to stop and get a pop and sleep the rest of the way home. Where did this time go?? When did friends stop being friends?? I've lost a few friends in the last say five years. I think of them often and sometimes wish I could just reach out and hug them. The one thing I am is a good friend....I can say this without hesitation. I am loyal, caring and honest. I am however also opinionated and will not mince words when I have something to say. I can count my closest friends on one hand. We have loved, fought, defended and fought some more. In saying that tho even if we disagreed I never questioned their loyalty or love. I knew my thoughts, secrets and feelings were never in jeopardy because they were angry. THAT is a true friend. When did this change?? Nowadays it seems that friendships are disposable and based solely on clicks. The motto is keep your friends close but your enemies closer......well how do you distinguish between the two when the person you were just confiding in is now confiding your stuff to someone else.

So much has changed and it seems it changed overnight. Friends betray, family leaves and strangers stay strangers. Now if you say hello to someone on the street and they don't know you.....YOU ARE A WEIRDO!!!!!! I specifically recall an old boyfriend of mine making fun of me saying hi to everyone on the Go train in Toronto and wondering why they all stared at me so strangely. Yep...just a dumb old hillbilly. I miss my hillbilly family so desperately. Why do families have to move off so far away from home?? Jobs?? Schools?? I am one of those fortunate people to have a close knit family. This is a blessing in some ways and a curse in other ways. As I've *cough* aged I've realized we aren't here for as long as we think we are. The ones I hold nearest and dearest to me are not getting any younger. My sister and I just tonight were discussing how many loved ones we have lost in the last while and how much we've missed. Why did we miss anything?? Too busy?? Too far away?? When will we have the time to spend with the ones we love?? When its too late???

This has been a very nostalgic weekend for me. My brain is my worst enemy and as you can see by the time.....it is still working overtime. I wish I could just turn it off and make it stop.....forget my brain and just make the world stop. Society has become one big consumer. Consuming and eating everything in sight and not giving anything back. I remember the summer we had the big power outage....everyone was freaking out. I wasn't. I stopped and listened to the silence. What a wonderful sound. My neighbours and I joined eachother on the back deck, put our food together and enjoyed a huge feast by lantern light. We laughed and joked, rocked our babies and remembered old times. It was a fantastic time......one of my all time favourite memories. There was no noise, no traffic, everyone had to just STOP and WOW the stars shone so brightly and life was simple. Oh how I wish for a simple life.....