Saturday, July 17, 2010
Calming the Inner Battles........
I'm a free thinker and anyone who knows me is aware of this. The problem with someone who thinks alot is....sometimes they struggle within themselves for answers they don't have. Usually I turn to texts and reading to try to figure out my dilemmas. Other times I'll turn to other free thinkers to try to use them as a sounding board. Most people don't think I listen to them....on the contrary. Sometimes I listen too much and end up even more confused.
Soooooo.....it is no secret that I struggle with my christian background. While I accept and commend my family for instilling wonderful values in me (cause I'm a pretty great person LOL) I do not accept the christian faith at all. For most of my "finding myself" years I described myself as being Agnostic. I knew there was something out there that explained it all...whether it was God/dess, Science or little green men. I guess a better way of describing myself would have been Apathetic.
However......I found my home in the Pagan path and have been quite happy. I still don't believe in God but reverred Mother Earth as sacred and worshipped her as such. I live off the land....protect her..love and give back to her anytime I can. Sometimes in this very techy world I may slip but for the most part I try to surround myself with all her beauty.
[I'm now going to cut and paste part of an email I sent out to two of the most beautiful people I know....mentors if you will.]
"I've had this internal struggle for sometime and its gotten to a point where its bugging me ALL THE TIME. Anyone who knows me knows I hold my Pagan path sacred. Something has come to the forefront with me and its haunting me. Sometimes being a free thinker isn't such a good thing. Even tho we aren't the best of friends there was a connection there and so today I reach out to you because you are a more seasoned and experienced soul.
I battle everyday with my belief in a God. Even as I do spell work or rituals or even a daily affirmation I don't visualize a "God/dess" and have all but quit any kind of rituals. To make this right in my own mind i have always considered Mother Earth to be my Goddess and have lived my life by the seasons quite happily. I take from her but always give back. Recently something has knocked me over and made me question everything i thought I knew. while this is not a bad thing because I think it is in asking questions that we find truth.
I believe in Darwin. I think he was a brilliant man and formidable free thinker. I've actually ordered some of his books because it was just brought to my attention that he too struggled with this very thing. I'm hoping in his words I may find peace or at least something that makes sense to me. I have always loved science. Almost to a geeky creepy point. LOL Lately my science side of my brain and my belief side of my brain have collided. While discussing my Darwin point of view someone asked me what my beliefs were. I very proudly told of my Pagan path. However after that conversation I sat there alone with this nagging feeling that I haven't been able to shake for weeks now.
This person asked me if I thought the Earth was a deity and hence why I called her Mother or Goddess. While I answered yes to that question I don't know if I do. Now I'm wondering if its my adult way of rebelling against the Christian upbringing I've always struggled with. Am I so anti-God that I've labelled something with the term Goddess that doesn't fit or just plainly isn't.
I've always described myself as a Pagan because in early years a Pagan was just a country dweller who lived their lives by the seasons. While I've been trying to find my answers all I've come up with that fits me....is Atheism. I cringe at that very thought. I believe in Magic, spirits and the paranormal which they would certainly scoff at. I find strength and comfort from my elders who have long passed but are still with me. However all those can be explained by "energy". Thats all it is and if you know anything about science the law of energy (thermodynamics) is....it can neither be created or destroyed but rather just changes form. So under that definitition all the above mentioned are clearly true.
This is where my balloon deflated. I love that the world holds many mysteries and I'm quite upset that perhaps all my beliefs have been explained away by science and my belief system is nothing but bunk. As much as I rebelled against the idea of God/dess I think I found comfort in the fact that she was there. Even tho I always said I believed my Goddess was in Fact Mother earth I think I was comforted by the spirit that surrounded me. Soooooo....has anything changed....nope...just my mind set. So why am I so discontented?? Have I been fooling myself and all along I've been but a Naturalist??"
I'm sorry to bore you....I'm just all discombobulated LOLOLOLOLOL I love my husabnd and all my friends but for the most part they don't understand me and my crazy notions but love me in spite of them. I wish I could just turn my brain off. This old chunck of wood atop my shoulders could tell you stories and probbably scare the crap outta ya. So I'm reaching out in hopes that you may lend a word of wise. Something that will calm my inner battle. Something that will make everything right again.
Perhaps ignorance is bliss!!!! LOL