Sunday, July 25, 2010
Happy Birthday Dad......
I wasn't going to write anything on this topic but he's been popping up quite a bit lately. Four years ago my Dad passed away and this past Thursday would have been his birthday. He's been on my mind a lot this weekend and even when I try to shake it....he's still there. Even in the simplest of ways like my book mark which was his obituary put in plastic by the funeral home. I called my sister that night because she is usually who I go to when I'm all discombobulated. She didn't answer which was probably best because she doesn't deal with Dad issues well either. She did however call the next day and said I had sounded funny.......I lied and said it was nothing. Neither of us mentioned that it was Dad's birthday.
The night Dad died it threw me for a loop. I'm going to include my blog about that because it really did say everything I was feeling..................
January 14 2006
Ever wonder how or why it is when you think you have it all figured out, something just kicks you in the ass?? My Dad passed away tonight. I always thought I'd know exactly how I was going to feel about that and exactly how I would react. I was wrong. I still haven't reacted.
I'm sitting here at my computer in the dark and I STILL haven't let out that breath of air I took in when my fiancee called me and gave me the news. I'm not exactly sure what I'm feeling.
My dad hasn't really been a Dad to me or my sister throughout our entire lives. I've always been very matter a fact where he was concerned.....yet here I am.......very.......what is the word.......I'm not sure. I came home....I ate dinner....I watched a movie and cuddled with my honey and then after the movie I went and brushed my teeth and while I stood there looking in the mirror it hit me that I was never going to speak to him again. I stood there dumbfounded.
I have been so angry at this man for so long and suddenly that anger is still there but in a different form. And.........I cry. And as I type these words I'm starting to cry again. I still can't answer my own question............how do I really feel about this. My first reaction was....I need to call my sister to see if "she" is ok. I need to go up there to be with the rest of the family. Am I really that unfeeling?? Is worrying about everyone else my way of making sure I don't FEEL something for him??
I'm not sure if any of this is going to make sense when I'm done but its late and everyone is sleeping and I had this uncontrollable urge to vent. How sad that this is the first blog in my entries. Just yesterday my mother asked me if I wanted an OLIVE and I said no. I hate olives. I don't really know if I hate olives....I've never had one. I know I hate what they used to represent to me. My Dad used to eat olives all the time and I hated them cause he liked them. So what was I afraid of??? Was I afraid I might actually love that rotten PR in spite of all his faults?? Or was I afraid that if I liked the Olives I was like him??
I have erased the next sentence 3 times now so I'm not going to try to write it again. I think I'm going to leave myself at this pondering spot.
As i read that blog I am brought back to all the same emotions I had that day. I don't really think I've dealt with anything. I've always had this wall up where Dad was concerned. However, like the booze that so ruled our lives he seeps into the smallest crack of that wall and eventually consumes me. I have so many issues regarding booze its not funny. I'm sure I drive my husband insane. He certainly doesn't drink like my Father did but even a couple beers and I find myself twitching.
When he is at work I even pep talk myself and say.....today is the day I don't let it bother me. Today is the day I'm not going to say anything. I laugh and think its so silly to have such emotions about alcohol. and as my husband walks in with his beers in hand I freeze. I can feel that heat inside me rising from my toes...up my legs....into my arms...as it reaches my face I want to smack him. Oddly, I want to smack the very thing that used to make Dad violent. How weird is that?
The sad thing is, I'm so obsessed with alcohol, that i will sit frozen in my chair and watch as he pours that beer into his glass knowing soon enough I'm going to say something snide about it. *sigh* amazing the impact that one person can have on a child's life. I deal with it the best I can.....
So, while we are left here to deal with the aftermath of what was, he is someplace other then here. I hope he is at peace now....finally. I hope whatever it was that made reality SO BAD that he needed to drink himself into oblivion is now gone. I hope he has finally found happiness. My biggest hope however is that someday I can find peace and happiness where Dad is concerned. I did love him.....very much. I don't talk about Dad much so maybe this is my way of starting to heal.
Happy birthday Dad.........oddly, I miss you everyday.